the gift of pain

Collections, Notes For Myself ;

at one time or another, we all try to silence painful emotions

but when we succeed in feeling nothing we lose the only means we have of knowing what hurts us, and why.


  • The Examined Life / Stephen Grosz

you are going to be ok without him.

Memories, Notes For Myself ;, Real me; Real story :)

you thought he was yours forever.
your one and only. you thought he was your happy ending.

but then, he decided to do what was best for him, without talking to you about it.
he decided to do what was best for him, without thinking of you.

and after the sun rose from the dark sky, he left.
he left you crumpled onto your bedroom floor, unable to speak from crying so hard.
he left you to pick up the pieces by yourself.

but you can’t do it by yourself.
so here is what you are going to do.
you are going to talk it out to everyone you know.
you are going to cry your big heart out until it’s hard to breathe.
you are going to attempt to eat, even if it’s hard.
you are going to attempt to get dressed, even if it’s hard.

and you are going to keep on living, even if it’s hard.
i know you don’t think you will survive.
i know you can’t picture the world without him in it.
and i know you cry every time you think of him not being there for you.

but what you don’t know is how strong you already are.
you don’t realize the power you have in just yourself.
you don’t know how special you are because you’ve been neglecting yourself.
and it’s time for a change.
it’s time for you to start to love yourself again.
it’s time to cherish you, and not anyone else.

my friend,

you are going to be ok without him.
because what you don’t know, is that, he is not the universe, or the sun, or the moon.
that’s you.

and you are going to do more than just survive.
you are going to thrive.
you are going to fly.
in time, you will.
and you will surprise yourself.
because right now, you just want him.
you just want everything to go back to how it was.
but, when you look back on this time, you will see the strength you had inside of you all along.
and you will see that you needed this.
you needed to start believing in yourself again.
you needed to start appreciating yourself and being confident in who you are.

you are going to be happy again.
you are going to be so proud of yourself.
you are going to be ok.
i promise you, you are going to be ok.

the light at the end of the tunnel is alive.
you just can’t see it yet.
it’s dim, but i promise you, it’s there.

daily life, Notes For Myself ;, Real me; Real story :)

My friend once told me that if i had decided let something go, i’d need to hold that one thing tight and count from ten to one.

I want to go out for coffee alone and go to place i’ve been wanting to go to without the fear of running into you. I don’t want to avoid my life anymore because of my past.

I want to go home without being afraid that everything would feel the same as when I had left. I want to stop associating “home” such a terrible place just because you’re there.

I wanna say your name without feeling my chest tighten. As common as your name gets, be it a noun or a verb, I wanna say it straight up – not censor it, not say it backwards. I wanna say it like it never meant anything.

I have to stop wishing you the worst. I want to stop caring about your future, I don’t want to have any thoughts about you anymore.

I need to stop waiting for that day when you’d realize that you’re sorry for hurting and throwing away someone like me. That won’t change anything anyway. I’m happy and stronger after you. I am better after you.

I must stop blaming myself for all the shit that I had to go through because you existed in my life. I have to forgive myself.

I have to stop being angry at you for not taking me seriously. For never answering my calls, for ignoring all my questions, and for leaving me to answer them on my own. I want to stop all this rage at her just because she was the reason why you didn’t come back. I want to live in peace.

I wanna stop telling myself that I am a bad person. I shouldn’t be defined by my mistakes. I should stop beating myself up everyday just to make myself feel that I’m making up for it.

I need to stop believing that I am worthless just because you decided to throw me away. I don’t want to be defined by the way you see me, or how you came to know me, or who you thought I was. You never really knew me.

I have to stop rewinding to that day when I first met you. I need to stop thinking of what could have been if we had never met. I have to accept what happened. I have to accept that you left.